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Have you ever seen a Roly Poly? Actually, its proper name is the Woodlouse. I used to eat them when I was a kid [awkward pause]. This tiny crustacean can roll up into an almost perfect sphere as a defensive mechanism. Maybe that’s why I ate them—they look like grey peas. But I digress.

God endowed the woodlouse with a built-in self-protection mechanism. When danger comes, a roly poly’s means of survival is to become like a bee bee. And when the coast is clear, this peculiar creature simply unravels and life is back to normal (foraging on dead plant matter and breathing through gills).

We are not that different (except that we are human beings and don’t have gills). When our security is threatened in some way, often beginning in early childhood, we develop ways to self-protect. However, unlike the woodlouse, it’s very hard to retain our original form. Though we learn to defend the bad, we inadvertently deflect the good also. A way of coping turns into a way of life. And instead of being moved by love, we are motivated by fear.

For example, as a child I was teased a lot. I was chubby, had buck teeth and a pug nose—you do the math. Consequently, I felt left out and unwanted at times. And from a very early age, I began to be self-conscious. So, in an effort to feel wanted, I developed another veracious appetite—but, instead of bugs, I craved attention.

As I grew older, this insatiable appetite to be wanted took on a persona of its own. Many writers and thinkers call this a “false self”. My sense of self as unworthy was too painful to face, so I created a litany of masks: a funny Scott, or a smart Scott, or rock-star Scott, or artist Scott, or a star athlete Scott, or a great Scott (gotcha). It wasn’t that these aspects of me weren’t true, but they weren’t the whole truth. The fact is, deep down, my fear was that “you can’t handle the truth!” If you really knew me, you wouldn’t want me. So, my false self became a hero—always right, always good, always perfect. The problem is, heroes are impossible to love.

This process of creating an impenetrable shell is toxic and it’s the root of shame. Ironically, the very armor designed to safeguard winds up suffocating. And, there’s only one way out—undefended vulnerability.

Yesterday we read the beginning of Psalm 139. David proclaims a truth about God, “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.” But pay special attention to how he bookends the Psalm:

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

David concludes by inviting God to see his true self. How does this make sense if he knows God already knows? What does this imply?

Consider David’s invitation today—make it your own. Ask God to reveal any hindrances of self-protection. Trust that God has enveloped you with his love. Choose to ‘clothe yourself’ with Jesus’ passion for you instead of any armor that deflects and defends.

Keep in mind that this is a process. It took me years to establish an outer shell, and it has taken years to unravel. The good news is that God is with you.

Above all, don’t forget the Roly Poly. Though it may look tempting, it’s really not that good for you…

~ Scott Wildey

Today we are going to do a little Lectio Divina. “Pray-Read-Think.” This may be review for some of you.  For others, you never heard of this practice before yesterday in church.  For most of us, this can be an uncomfortable process since we live our lives at such a fast pace.  Be open and see what God reveals to you.

Begin by taking 5-10 minutes of quieting your soul and praying for God to reveal His beautiful mysteries to you. Sometimes it’s helpful to pray the verse “Be still and know that I am God” (Ps 46:10). Try to sit in silence for at least 5 minutes to calm the chaos inside you and then let God do the rest.

Now read through the following passage 5-7 times. Psalm 139 has been a powerful passage for me in the journey of finding who I really am.  I picked The Message translation because I like to hear things in a different voice at times.  Begin by reading it quickly the first few times, and then slowing it down. Notice the phrases/words that stick out to you as you read.

Psalm 139:1-16  [The Message]

1-6
God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can’t take it all in!

7-12
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute—
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

13-16
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

When you finish reading through the Psalm, spend some time processing through these questions with God:
*  How does this passage pertain to me today?
*  What are You wanting to reveal to me?

- Tatum Lehman

Distorted truth is the shameful life I lead. I would define my lies as white lies, yet they are the chains that prevent me from living freely as me. Here is an example: Somebody may ask me, “Did you take out the trash today?”  I would say yes, even if I had not, because I want to be perceived as perfect and reliable. Of course, I would then take out the trash. Why can’t I give the honest response and say, “Not yet, but I will!”?

I have created the distorted reality in my mind that everybody expects a mature Christian to always be reliable, independent, and in control. I cannot let people down or else I will be a misrepresentation of Christ! The irony is Christ is misrepresented when I distort the truth of who I am: a unique woman created in His image who is not perfect. Lying about little day-to-day things became natural because I feared that telling the truth would allow people to see the failure I am. The source of these lies was shame. I have a hard time believing in the raw, real person God has created me to be.

When I woke up to the reality that shame consumed me, I cried uncontrollably. I was broken and I lost all ability to be me.  In fact, I realized I did not even know who “me” really was! I did not know what I really liked to eat, or what my favorite color was, or what I liked to do in my spare time. I had spent most of my life being someone I thought I needed to be, or others desired me to be, and lost all sense of “Tatum.” This was, and still is, a scary place. I essentially had to ‘date myself’ and get to know Tatum. I had never been honest with my true feelings or true self and I was 26 years old. WHAT?!? Thankfully I was surrounded by an amazing group of woman and a husband who held me accountable to push through and truly find Tatum. God and I started on a long and arduous journey that has rocked my world.  At times,  it has been dark and lonely.  However, the freedom I have experienced since that dreadful day when I felt alone on my little island has been worth every tear.

Is shame a part of your life? Before you rush to say “No,” let’s make a distinction.  I realized on my journey that I had always mistaken shame for guilt. When asked if I struggled with shame, I would instantly reply “No,” because I understood shame as feeling bad for doing something wrong.  True, I felt guilty when I lied, but I would have never said that this guilt was a controlling factor in my life.  However, I have learned that shame is the feeling that I am bad or defective. There is something inherently wrong with the core of who I am.  Therefore I spent most of my energy hiding my true self, to the point where I completely lost sight of who I am.

Shame is an internal tormenter that rocks the lives of many Christians, and prevents them from living freely and to the fullest.  Here are a few examples of masks we wear to hide shame.  Spend some time processing through whether shame is a reality in your life.

*When asked to present your opinion on a certain topic, do you respond with honesty or with what you think the person would want you to say?

*Are you hiding your true self behind a mask you have created in fear of not being accepted or loved because you believe there is something inherently wrong with you?

*Do you get anxious when someone wants to get to know the real you?  Do you only allow your friendships to get to a certain depth?

*If you are not instantly affirmed when you take a step of faith, do you want to go hide in a cave?

- Tatum Lehman

And you, Babylonians—ravagers!

A reward to whoever gets back at you
for all you’ve done to us; Yes, a reward to the one who grabs your babies
and smashes their heads on the rocks!

Psalm 137:8-9.  The Message

I never saw it coming. I remember waking up at a 7-11 to my best friend pushing my nose back into place.  Once the blood could flow, it did – straight down my mouth, all over his hands, all over my shirt. It was a sucker-punch with brass knuckles from a guy I never met that knocked me out.  It was his friends that jumped in and kicked me in the head as I was unconscious.  And it was my best friend Gentry who jumped on top of me to shield me from the blows as my other friends just stood and watched me get pummeled.

But why or how it happened isn’t as important to what happened to my soul after that.

The author of Hebrews 12 puts it blatantly, 15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

Are you struggling to find God’s grace right now? The author of Hebrews says that a poisonous root of bitterness can actually block it! Find yourself replaying how badly you’ve been hurt? Maybe what’s taken root in your heart is not God’s grace but a strangling, poisonous form of bitterness that sprouts itself with thorns of anger. It’s not that God can’t work in and through angry people; it’s just that bitterness has a way of consuming our thoughts, attitudes and behaviors so much so that it can actually become an idol in our lives. Paul even says in Ephesians 4:26, And “don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil.

The problem with many of us is not that we get angry.  Anger is natural, it’s a sign that some of our expectations have gone unmet, that we’ve been hurt and that important rules have been violated. The problem is that once we’re hurt we replay that injustice over and over, we want so badly to retaliate and we do!

That wasn’t the first fight I got into that night.  It wasn’t even the first fight I lost. But that night that root of bitterness that had already taken root inside me since childhood wrapped around my heart even stronger.

I saw nothing wrong with watering it, feeding it, letting it fuel me. I got into plenty more fights after that and each one got progressively more violent, like that night was the impetus for future fights. It took me years, a lot of patience and grace from God and some good solid friends to weed out all that anger.

In this season of lent, ask God to reveal what’s inside your heart.  Has even one little sprout of bitterness began to grow? Get it out! Don’t give the enemy a foothold. Ask God to search you with his Spirit. Ask a close friend if they recognize any perpetual anger in your life. Be prepared for an honest answer.

And know this my friend: you’re a new creation, that old life is gone, the new has begun. It may take some time and pain to get in there and dig out all those roots and weeds, but the process is worth it.

Justin Halbert
JT_Halbert80@yahoo.com

I was once in a bible class where we had a guest teacher for the day. The first thing he had us do was to write the word “theology” as big as we could across of piece of paper. Then he had us throw all of our papers into the middle of the room.  He said, “Good, now that we have all or theologies out of the way, we can get to learning about God.”  He then went on to antagonize us with questions we couldn’t answer.  He said they were easy questions and shouldn’t we know the answer since we’re in bible school?

For his final illustration he grabbed a water bottle.  “Anyone know what’s inside here?”

“Water?” a faint voice from the back of the room called out.

“OK, well how do you know it’s water?”

“I’m just assuming it’s water since it’s a water bottle.” She said with a little bit of twang already perturbed from his day’s lesson.

“So you don’t actually know what’s inside then, right? You’re just assuming it’s water because of its packaging.”

“Ya, I guess.  I think it’s the most logical probability.”

“Ok everyone.  Let’s go outside.”

He had the student he was questioning grab the water bottle and open the lid.

“Here’s what I want you to do: give it a few good shakes with the lid off, but shake it away from yourself, don’t get it on you.”

The student did what he said, shook a few good times and its contents went flying all over the floor.  Then we smelled it – white vinegar.

“See people, you don’t really know what’s inside someone until they get shaken up a little. I came in today not to teach you about theology or to give you more biblical knowledge; I wanted to see what was inside you.  So I shook you up a little, maybe I even pushed you a little and I got to see what came out of you.”

I think God often puts us in situations to let us see what’s inside of us, like when he led the Israelites to Marah and they jumped in and tasted the bitter waters.  Can you remember the last time you were shaken up?  What came out of you?

Remember when God led Israel through the wilderness, out of slavery, out of bondage from Egypt and all they could do was to think of the food they used to eat, how “good” it used to be?

Don’t be fooled by your anger; it’s bondage; it will suck any patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, gentleness – in essence – God’s love from your soul. It will compete on every level for control of your life.

Have you been shaken up lately? Start by attacking the problem, not the person. Why is it you were so offended? What important rule was violated? Speak the truth in love. Anger is directional; if it’s not addressed it eventually turns itself on you, so it must be dealt with. God has set us free from the bondage of sin, so why make yourself a slave to it again?

Justin Halbert
JT_Halbert80@yahoo.com

“O Daughter of Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us- he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.”  Psalm 137:8-9

So what happens when you are legitimately angry?  You’ve been wronged, offended or violated, and you’ve explored some of the deeper emotions stirring in your heart, emotions like fear, loneliness, despair or confusion.  But you still experience the anger and you still want to do something about it.  So you consider a few options:  fight back.  Retaliate and inflict the same hurt, pain and suffering that others brought upon you.  You could choose to retreat and withdraw into isolation, never speaking to anyone about what you experienced.  Perhaps you let your anger leak out in passive-aggressive ways as you only hint at the deep anger welling up inside.  Whatever choice you make, that anger is still living with you and so are the emotions underneath.  Again, I am referring here to a pervasive sort of anger that causes harm to yourself and to others.

Yesterday, we explored the idea of powerlessness as one of the catalysts that leads to feeling angry.  When we feel powerless and out of control, we can become angry; at the same time, we hold on to that anger to feel more powerful.  Can you see the damage that is bound to happen?  We use anger to build a fortress around our pain.  But we must remember that anger is an indicator, not a shield.  I remember when I saw this domino effect taking place in my own life, and it stopped me in my tracks.  For the past several years, I’ve experienced a very difficult relationship with my father.  I have been wounded deeply by him and felt completely powerless to his guilt, manipulation and coercion.  I knew I was angry, and I camped out on my anger thinking this would give me some kind of strength to fight against him.  About six months ago, we began exchanging very terse emails.  In my mind, I was being firm and expressing myself.  It was only after reading them aloud to another person that I realized:  I sound just as cold, harsh and bitter as my father sounded to me.  I was humbled instantly.

At first glance, the verses above seem to imply that anger should move us to take action and retaliate.  We might even wonder how these words can find themselves in Scripture and how we are to look at them in our present-day world.  For a response, I am greatly indebted to Walter Brueggemann in The Message of the Psalms for his look at Psalm 137:

We may note this much in the psalm:  the speaker does not take action.  The speaker does not, in fact, crush the heads of babes against the rocks.  It is a prayer, a wish, a hope, a yearning.  But even the venom is left in God’s hands.  Perhaps there is a division of labor here:  Israel hopes; Yahweh avenges as he chooses…At first glance, Psalm 137 strikes us as a childish outburst… It could be that this psalm occurs in a context in which God’s ways and thoughts for vengeance are ‘higher,’ but that does not keep Israel from speaking it honestly to the throne.  It is an act of profound faith to entrust one’s most precious hatreds to God, knowing they will be taken seriously. (p. 77)

What an incredible thought- the things and circumstances and people that anger us most, truly matter to God and he will act on our behalf.  In no way am I saying that we should “let go” of our wounds and just move on.  God takes them seriously and so should we.  Rather, we can let go of the need to hold on to our anger and begin to trust that God sees our struggle.  We don’t have to fight anymore.

My prayer for you all, and for myself, is that we would learn to connect to God through our anger:  to pour out the deeper emotions in our hearts, to lean upon him when we feel weak and powerless, and to trust in his sovereignty, willingness and faithfulness to act on our behalf.  Grace and peace to you all as you continue on in your journey…

-Alair Conner-

alairconner@gmail.com

A few questions to ponder…

-       What does it look like when I hold on to my anger?

-       When I imagine “letting go” of that anger, what’s that like?

-       Where does God need to be stronger in your life?

“Remember, O LORD, what the Edomites did on the day Jerusalem fell…”  Psalm 137:7

My mom still tells me about the time when I threw my first real temper tantrum.  I was a well-behaved child, so getting upset or fussy didn’t usually last too long.  However, on one particular day, all that changed:  I made the seemingly simple request of having orange juice in my cereal, rather than milk.  My mom said no, and my world fell apart.  Rolling on the floor, kicking, screaming, and wailing:  apparently, orange juice and Cheerios were just that good.  I didn’t get what I wanted, so I got angry.

. . .

Job has just been robbed of everything he possessed:  land, servants, wealth, house, health and family.  He is left to mourn in the dust, kept company only by the hollow words of his friends and wife who only seem to heap insult onto injury.  Here is a man familiar with suffering and injustice, a man who has been left with nothing and not even a logical reason or meaning behind these circumstances.  Angrily, Job speaks of the God whom he is now questioning:  “ ‘Even if I summoned him and he responded, I do not believe that he would give me a hearing’” (Job 9:16).  Job was left with nothing, so he got angry.

. . .

On the night that Jesus was betrayed, he was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane with his disciples close by.  Judas, along with several Pharisees, found Jesus and proceeded to arrest him.  Perhaps Peter was frustrated that Jesus would go so willingly; perhaps he was compelled to guard this man whom he dearly loved.  Regardless, in an instant, “Simon Peter, who had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest’s servant, cutting off his right ear” (John 18:10).  Peter’s natural instinct may have been to protect and defend, especially as he watched Jesus accept and move towards pain and death.  Peter couldn’t do anything to stop this, so he got angry.

If this was not made clear in my last post, let me say it again:  anger is good.  Anger, as a response, is healthy and indicates that something else is going on.  Now, do we always need to pause and reflect on why we get angry?  No; sometimes, we feel wronged or slighted and we just need to get mad.  What I am referring to is a consistent, habitual pattern of deep anger that causes harm to one’s self and others.  When we look deeper into this kind of anger, oftentimes we are experiencing a lack of control or power.  The three stories listed above are extremely different in severity, but they all point to a common theme that often underlies anger:  powerlessness.  We feel vulnerable, weak, lost, and cannot seem to get our feet firmly planted anywhere.

So we shake our fists at God, others, the world or maybe “the man”, for leaving us in this awful place of powerlessness.  We want others to take notice, we want some sense of control or structure, and we want to be heard.  Oftentimes, when I tell people that I’m angry at God, they just say, “That’s alright- God can handle your anger.”  Handle it?!  I want him to DO something; I want him to be moved by it and then move heaven and earth.  I want him to listen to my cries… and he does.

When we feel powerless and angry, we can shout to God and he hears:  “In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears” (Psalm 18:6).  While we may not instantly feel more in control or release more anger, we can be confident that the God who is sovereign turns his ear to our prayer and is working for us.  We can rest knowing that he is faithful and he is strong, and he can use our anger to draw us closer to him.

- Alair Conner -

alairconner@gmail.com

A few questions to ponder…

-       When do you feel out of control?  What triggers that?

-       How do you think God responds to your anger?  Is he moved?  Does he seem distant?

-       What do you want God to hear most from you?

“By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion…” Psalm 137:1

When was the last time you got angry?  I mean, really mad- where your face got flushed, your stomach turned and maybe you even broke a sweat?  Did you get agitated, irritable or just downright rude?  I’m guessing you may have even come up with a few ideas as to how you would like to retaliate, whether by words, actions or maybe both.  For me, this happened less than twenty-four hours ago.  The situation was insignificant; my internal reaction was telling.  I could feel the bitterness and resentment slowly building as I ran through my mental filing drawers marked “Snide Remarks” and “Passive-Aggressive Retorts”, eager to pick the one I would use.  Whether or not other people actually noticed, I knew what was going on:  I was angry.

As mad as I was earlier today, my anger was only a signal that something else was going on inside me.  Anger is referred to as a “secondary emotion”, meaning that anger is always a response or reaction to another emotion.  This does not mean that our anger is a false cover; rather, it is an indicator that something deeper is stirring inside.  Let’s use an example:  anger is like your car’s “Check Engine” light.  When that little warning lights up your dashboard, how do you respond?  Do you simply find a way to fix the light and make it turn off?  No, you service the engine so that the light will disappear.  We need these warning lights to tell us what needs some repair, so when that anger wells up inside- listen closely!  There is something else that needs your attention.

The verse listed above is a perfect example of the deeper emotion that leads to anger.  Read several verses ahead and you will meet an author who is furious and enraged, but this first verse speaks of a deep sadness and pain.  Anger is often a response to fear, hurt, loneliness, sorrow, confusion or uncertainty.  When I look back on my experience today, I realized that in my anger, I was also feeling disrespected, devalued and ignored.  But this is where God wants to connect with us.  He uses our anger to spur us into looking at the true condition of our hearts, and he wants to meet us there.

Over the next few days, we’ll be looking more at the deeper places underneath the anger and what to do with what we find there.  I encourage you to be real with yourself, with God, with others…and if something stirs you and you get mad- good!  Just look a little deeper…

-Alair Conner-

alairconner@gmail.com

A few questions to ponder:

-       What is underneath your anger?

-       What do you think you need to do with that?

-       What is it like to look deeper- scary?  Painful?  A relief?

March 15th

A Demanding Spirit

I was standing at the front of the line, salad built, tray in hand, waiting to be seated. I could see the young man who was supposed to be seating me…he was standing at a table ten feet in front of me talking to a lady seated there. He never averted his eyes from hers as she talked. His posture was gracious and attentive…to her, that is. I, however, stood waiting. I began to wonder about their business together. Was she a friend or family member who’d stopped in for dinner and catching up? Do it on your own time, was the follow-up thought. Was she complimenting him on his finely-managed establishment? Surely not! Was she complaining? Yes, that was probably it, she was complaining about how long it took to be seated.

I was annoyed. No, I was angry. Didn’t he realize that we deserved to be seated immediately? After waiting for what seemed like hours (it was probably closer to seven minutes), I asked the cashier if she could do something about the lack of attention we were receiving. A few minutes later, she sat us herself.

In his book “Inside Out,” author Larry Crabb calls this a demanding spirit. He writes, “To insist on something, we must first persuade ourself that what we’re after is deserved and legitimate, that we have a solid basis for our demands.”

Driving without being cussed at or cut off. Kids behaving politely in public. Considerate, quiet people at the movie theater. Friends being available when we need them. Respectful family members. Courteous neighbors. Healthy children that follow Jesus. A job. A spouse. Being seated in a timely manner at a restaurant. These are reasonable requests, aren’t they?

Larry Crabb continues, “The necessary foundation for any relationship with God is a recognition that God is God and we are not. We therefore have no business demanding anything of anyone.”

In the Bible, Job found himself in a situation similar to mine at the restaurant. Okay, maybe not exactly similar. The sudden loss of his fortune, children and health took this man of God by surprise. He wasn’t privy to the conversation God had with Satan prior to the calamity that struck his life. He didn’t know that Satan was to be made a fool of through all that he was to endure. He knew only that he loved and followed God with his whole heart and yet found himself abruptly destitute, lonely and in agony.

For most of the story, Job endures the rants of his disgusted wife and unhelpful friends, all the while maintaining his belief in a good God. But Job’s trust fades and he becomes desperately angry. He begins to beg for a moment before his Creator so he can plead his case. Surely a just God would realize that the calamity that has befallen him should have been reserved for someone less righteous.

In chapter 38, God finally responds to Job’s request for a hearing. For four chapters, He claims His authority and reminds Job that He alone is God and He alone is in control. He confronts Job’s demanding spirit and illustrates clearly how foolish, immature, prideful and ridiculous he had become. Job’s reply is simple, “Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.” Job begins to grasp that a pain-free life is not a guarantee, and in fact, it’s not optimal. Job experiences God’s perfect plan in the midst of and in spite of difficulties.

I read Job’s story and think that if anyone had the right to be desperately angry, he did. Then I think about the internal fit I pitched simply because I wasn’t seated in a timely manner, and I am confronted with the depth and breadth of my demanding spirit.

What are you demanding? For what do you find yourself desperately angry? Join me in accepting the challenge to surrender our demanding spirits and trust our loving God to reveal His power and glory in our struggles.

Annette Correll (annette@ecsandiego.com)

March 14th

The Other Brother

I’ve been working on a big sale at my company. I found the lead. I secured the appointment. I met with all of the executives to assess their needs. I put the proposal together, presented it to them and asked for their business. Today I learned that it may be given to someone else to close. Someone else, simply because they have the right title on their business card, is poised to gain a windfall commission and the glory of a huge sale that they haven’t done one minute of work to earn. And I’m ticked.

It reminds me of one of the more popular stories that Jesus told. In Luke 15, we read about the encounter of two brothers and their father. Here’s how I imagine this story unfolds.

The older brother (let’s call him Duke) watched as his younger brother (let’s call him Skipper) cursed their father, demanded his share of the inheritance and took off to pursue a life of sex, drugs and rock-and-roll. Duke stayed at home and witnessed the aftermath of Skipper’s irreverence, listening to the whispers among the people about how unfortunate it was their father has raised such a disrespectful child.

Duke continued diligently in the family’s business, doing the work of two people in his brother’s absence. He tended flocks, toiled the land and managed the staff. He struggled to overcome the stigma Skipper had left in his departure, working hard to win back customers and keep their family name in good standing in their community. Lying in bed at night, listening to his father weeping aloud for his brother’s return, Duke would dream of revenge and vow to kill Skipper if he ever dared show his face again.

Returning one evening from another long workday, Duke heard a celebration coming from the house. He asked one of his employees what was going on and learned that his no-good, useless brother had come home and their father was having a banquet to celebrate. Can you imagine what Duke must have felt? Sadness? Confusion? Disgust? Scripture tells us that he was so angry he couldn’t even go inside the house. I should think so!

The plans he’d made to avenge his father were suddenly thwarted. He couldn’t very well kill Skipper now, not in front of everyone at the party. But he also couldn’t go in, smile, raise a toast and enjoy a meal with them. Food simply would not mix well with the rage burning a hole in his chest. So he stood outside the door, aghast, confused and angry.

Can you relate to Duke? Are you experiencing an injustice where wrong-doing or laziness seems to be rewarded and you (the good person) are being extorted and used? Are you burning inside because it’s simply not fair?

In Matthew 20:1-16, Jesus tells a story that reflects the true heart of our Father. Early one morning, a landowner hires some vineyard workers for the day and agrees to pay them a full day’s wages. Periodically throughout the day he returns to hire additional workers, each time promising to pay them the same rate. At the end of the day, he gathers all of the workers and, beginning with the last men hired, pays them each their wages. You can imagine how the men who’d been working since early that morning felt when they saw the guys who’d only worked an hour being paid the same amount as them. The landowner’s response to their grumbling is sobering. He asks, “Didn’t you agree to work for a day’s wage? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?”

In theory, I love that God is generous. I love that He desires to bless everyone. But practically speaking, when I’ve worked hard for something, I feel like I deserve to be rewarded accordingly. Jesus’ questions stop me in my tracks.

As I think about the potential loss of the big sale and listen to the Holy Spirit asking me those same questions, I, like Duke, have a choice. I can be angry at the injustice of the situation. I can burn with frustration and vow to get revenge. I can stand outside the party and pout because I didn’t get the recognition I feel I deserve.

Instead, I will praise God for His generosity and grace. I will thank Him because He didn’t have to save me, but He did; He doesn’t have to bless me, but He does. I will raise my glass and offer a toast of praise for God’s generosity in my life.

Annette Correll (annette@ecsandiego.com)