Roly Poly
Have you ever seen a Roly Poly? Actually, its proper name is the Woodlouse. I used to eat them when I was a kid [awkward pause]. This tiny crustacean can roll up into an almost perfect sphere as a defensive mechanism. Maybe that’s why I ate them—they look like grey peas. But I digress.
God endowed the woodlouse with a built-in self-protection mechanism. When danger comes, a roly poly’s means of survival is to become like a bee bee. And when the coast is clear, this peculiar creature simply unravels and life is back to normal (foraging on dead plant matter and breathing through gills).
We are not that different (except that we are human beings and don’t have gills). When our security is threatened in some way, often beginning in early childhood, we develop ways to self-protect. However, unlike the woodlouse, it’s very hard to retain our original form. Though we learn to defend the bad, we inadvertently deflect the good also. A way of coping turns into a way of life. And instead of being moved by love, we are motivated by fear.
For example, as a child I was teased a lot. I was chubby, had buck teeth and a pug nose—you do the math. Consequently, I felt left out and unwanted at times. And from a very early age, I began to be self-conscious. So, in an effort to feel wanted, I developed another veracious appetite—but, instead of bugs, I craved attention.
As I grew older, this insatiable appetite to be wanted took on a persona of its own. Many writers and thinkers call this a “false self”. My sense of self as unworthy was too painful to face, so I created a litany of masks: a funny Scott, or a smart Scott, or rock-star Scott, or artist Scott, or a star athlete Scott, or a great Scott (gotcha). It wasn’t that these aspects of me weren’t true, but they weren’t the whole truth. The fact is, deep down, my fear was that “you can’t handle the truth!” If you really knew me, you wouldn’t want me. So, my false self became a hero—always right, always good, always perfect. The problem is, heroes are impossible to love.
This process of creating an impenetrable shell is toxic and it’s the root of shame. Ironically, the very armor designed to safeguard winds up suffocating. And, there’s only one way out—undefended vulnerability.
Yesterday we read the beginning of Psalm 139. David proclaims a truth about God, “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.” But pay special attention to how he bookends the Psalm:
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
David concludes by inviting God to see his true self. How does this make sense if he knows God already knows? What does this imply?
Consider David’s invitation today—make it your own. Ask God to reveal any hindrances of self-protection. Trust that God has enveloped you with his love. Choose to ‘clothe yourself’ with Jesus’ passion for you instead of any armor that deflects and defends.
Keep in mind that this is a process. It took me years to establish an outer shell, and it has taken years to unravel. The good news is that God is with you.
Above all, don’t forget the Roly Poly. Though it may look tempting, it’s really not that good for you…
~ Scott Wildey